“Success comes from the inside out. In order to change what is on the outside, you must first change what is on the inside.” -Idowu Koyenikan
Hello my beautiful explorers! It’s Heidi with Heidilyncampbell.com. I’m always here to help you dream, explore, create and thrive in your best life. I’m so excited to talk to you today about your stories. This concept has changed my life and I know it will change yours.
Simply put: Your stories shape your life and your world view and you have the power to change them. If you change your stories, you WILL change your life.
We all have stories. We have some positive, powerful stories and we also have some stories that hold us back, cause us to stumble and that create friction in our lives.
What do I mean by stories?
When I’m using the term story, I’m talking about the stories we tell ourselves (often subconsciously) about yourselves, our lives and the people around us. I’ll give you an example:
You walk into work and see the receptionist Judy, who is usually friendly and welcoming, look up with a scowl on her face and then she looks back down again. She doesn’t say a word. What’s your reaction?
Clare walks in, sees the receptionist scowling and thinks, “Oh no! I think Judy is mad at me!”
Julee walks in, sees Judy scowling and thinks, “Poor Judy, it’s not like her to scowl, she must be having a bad day.”
Susanna walks in, sees Judy scowling and thinks, “What a jerk! I can’t handle this workplace anymore, everyone is always mad at someone. I need to find a new job.”’
All three women experienced the same event, a typically happy receptionist, looking up, making a scowling expression and looking back down. But each interpreted that event in a different way.
Why?
Our subconscious mind receives millions of bits of information every second. Our conscious mind can only process the tiniest fraction of the information. In order to preserve the sanity and energy of our conscious mind, our subconscious takes all the millions of information we are receiving and filters them for us. It deletes, distorts and generalizes based on our mood, our memories, our beliefs, our values and our identity (among many others).
These filters are shortcuts and in many cases serve us well, but can also backfire. Let’s take a look at some possible outcomes from the situation above:
Clare thinks Judy is mad at her. She may become defensive and begin to be frustrated with Judy until she’s mad back. This would lead to a day of hostile, frustrated feelings that my derail Clare’s productivity and damage Clare’s otherwise good relationship with Judy.
Julee, sensitive to Judy’s bad day, may ask “Judy, is everything okay? “ That simple question could open up a powerful conversation that draws the two of them closer, strengthens their relationship and may help Judy move through whatever she is going through.
Susanna immediately slams her office door, heads to LinkedIn and starts looking for a new job. She blows off an assignment she’s been given and vents to her co-worker for an hour.
Who do you think had a happy, productive day? Clare, Julee or Susanna? Probably Julee. There are many productive responses to Judy’s scowl, but there are just as many less-than productive responses.
Here’s an example from my own life:
Growing up I trained as a classical ballet dancer. That means my studio didn’t have little costumes or competitions. I never took tap and jazz. It was ballet only and for hours and hours of intensive training. BTW, that’s not a knock on studio dancers, I love studio dancers and often wished I had more variety in my training.
So, my teacher was fierce woman from Cuba. She had a class of twenty dancers and she would move around the room swatting butts, pushing our bodies into the correct shape, barking orders and stretching us out like gumby. It was intense and intoxicating. But there was just one problem. She never stopped picking on me. The critiques were constant, as if her eyes were always on me. Some days I would go home frustrated, wanting to just cry and cry. My body hurt, my heart hurt and I really loved to dance. Questions I’d ask myself were: what if I’m awful? Am I the worst in the class and don’t even realize it? Why am I dancing if I’m such a mess? Nothing I ever do is good enough!
Luckily, I was blessed with wise parents who recognized what was happening. They intercepted my self-doubt and overwhelm with a new perspective . . .
“She is giving you attention because she sees how talented you are and how good you can become. She sees your ability.”
Whether or not what my parents said was true doesn’t matter. It became a productive filter for me. Let’s look at the potential outcomes of both filters:
My Story told me that I’m untalented, not good, being picked on (victim) and most likely would have led to me quitting, perhaps have fear at trying new things.
My Parent’s Story told me that I’m talented, capable, growing and learning, worthy of attention, enjoying the development and this filter leads to resilience, enjoying dance, learning to receive critical feedback and develop.
Luckily, I adopted my parent’s perspective and have enjoyed dancing my entire life. I have no clue what Haydee (my dance teacher) actually thought. Maybe I was the worst? Maybe I wasn’t? It doesn’t matter.
We hear all the time that we can choose our own responses. But take a moment and let this sink in.
It’s not what happens in our life, it’s what we think about what happens in our life that controls the results. This is why it’s critical that when we are in a situation that we perceive is negative, we take a step back and choose a new thought.
Return to the situation with a clear head and write it out:
What happened (just the facts, not your interpretation about the facts)
What are my thoughts? (this is where you interpret the facts)
What are my feelings?
How am I reacting? How am I responding?
Will this chain of thoughts, feelings and response lead me to a best possible outcome? (if no, try again)
Let’s Try It Out
Get out a journal and write out something that has happened to you in your life. You may even have one in your mind.
List out the event. Exactly what happened. Facts only.
Write out what your thoughts were or are about the situation.
List your feelings.
How did you respond? React? What did you do?
Review it and think of other thoughts or chains that could have been possible.
What is the most empowering outcome? The one closest to your best self?
Homework: Next time you are in a moment and you are feeling a feeling or reacting in a destructive way, pause, take a moment, extricate yourself from the situation or from your own thoughts.
I’m a fan of leaving a conversation to go to the bathroom or distracting myself with exercise, my favorite song or calling someone I love.
Return to the situation with a clear head and write it out:
What happened (just the facts, not your interpretation about the facts)
What are my thoughts? (this is where you interpret the facts)
What are my feelings?
How am I reacting? How am I responding?
Will this chain of thoughts, feelings and response lead me to a best possible outcome? (if no, try again)
Try out the exercise and tell me your favorite take away in the comments!